Thanks again for joining this guest series by my pastor’s wife, Vela Tomba. She is sharing her philosophy for healthy relationships, called “Hula Hoop-o-logy”. In case you are wondering about how the conference planning is going (Thank you for your sweet texts and emails), everything is going great. I realized about 6 months ago I had a moment of “this conference is so much bigger than I can do in my own strength” and I surrendered the results to God. Now as the conference is only a couple of days away I’m giddy to see what God will do since I’ve been faithfully following Him along. All the hours, prayers, private FB messages, and emails are going to be nothing compared to what His spirit will be doing in the hearts of those women who attend. If you want to follow along, just get on Twitter and follow the #DeclareConf hashtag…great quotes from our speakers posted there throughout the conference. {blessings}

{to read part 1: stay in your hoop click here}

Part 2: You do you. I’ll do me.

Today I realized another way that I get out of my hula hoop. I thought I was bustling right along with my life, staying in my hula hoop and doing great. Then it hit me smack dab in the face.

I was out of my hula hoop by not letting my husband have his feelings.

“How were you doing that?” you might ask.

Good question.

I would so overreact to his anger, sadness or pain so that I communicated that it was virtually unacceptable for him to have ANY strong feelings that DO NOT coincide with my feelings.

I don’t like his strong emotions. I am so fine with MY wild mood swings, by the way. However, I want him to be in control all the time. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong of me to want him to walk with Jesus ALL the time and be sinless and, by the way, completely happy and calm all the time? I am married to an imperfect human being. He is limited just like me AND he has the right to have feelings…even when they don’t match mine. 

Revolutionary I know. I feel like a very dim bulb as I am writing this. I guess I am just narcissistic enough to think that no one has feelings that really matter but me. I am honest enough to admit that I am wrong. I am reminded that I am not the center of the universe.

So here is where I must get back into my hula hoop:

You get to have your feelings. You DO NOT have to feel a way that makes me happy or works with my mood at any particular time.

I will let you do you.

I will do me.

I will give my husband (and the world) freedom to have their feelings.

He and the world always have had that freedom but I have tried with a vengeance to interfere. In other words, my personal hula hooping must have gotten pretty wobbly. I probably have to let my hula hoop fall if I am working on your feelings. Feelings are tricky things to manage—especially someone else’s!

He gets to be mad and I will not try to run interference for him in disagreements with our kids, for example. I will work on some phrases like, “Wow. That’s how you feel, huh? Let me process this for a bit. I need a little time.” AND then I will step away.

I will step away and twirl my hula hoop. Spinning silently. Maybe I will pray for patience and understanding and compassion. Compassion. Feeling with someone or for someone. The dictionary says this often comes with a desire to alleviate the suffering. I am not going to act on that desire. I am going to let him have his feelings and I am going to let God take care of him and alleviate my husband’s sufferings in His timing.

God is the only one able to take care of our feelings. Whew.

What a burden is off me!

I am going to go do some hula hooping.

Now that is freedom!

Next up: Part 3–Hula hoops & the world