When my faith fails…

Sep 12, 2011

I decided to pay $40 at Walgreens for a little “Intelligender” test that would tell me the gender of our 4th child (at 14 weeks gestation…6 wks early!). I told people that I don’t care if we have a boy or a girl. That it would be fun to be a family of 4 boys. My true feelings were revealed when I saw the following…

Devastated. Uncontrollable sobbing. Feeling sorry for myself. Going through the list of “nevers”…”never paint my daughter’s toenails”, “never braid her hair”, “never play dolls”, “never have a tea party”.

My faith in what God has for me failed. I had just written a post  about “calling”. Here I was feeling sad because I didn’t want my what God may be calling me to be…the mother of all boys.

I forgot that God had provided 3 beautiful, healthy, smart, fun & outgoing boys. Despite the gifts. Despite the miracles. I did not trust Him.

Then I read the story of Elijah (1 Kings 18) in which he had witnessed a miracle. He called on God to bring fire down from heaven, on an altar drenched with water. Not only did fire appear, it consumed the sacrifice, the altar, the water. This miracle was done in the presence of 850 false prophets (whose gods had failed the task) and other Israelites. “When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, ‘The LORD—he is God! The LORD—he is God!'” (1 Kings 18:39).

You would think after a “wow God” moment his faith would be GIGANTIC!

Yet “Elijah was afraid & ran for his life.” (1 Kings 19:3). He had just had the 850 prophets killed and Jezebel was so mad she wanted to kill Elijah.

Elijah ran to the wilderness (desert), sat under a small “tree”, prayed to die, and said, “I have had enough, LORD, take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” (vs 5).

Although Elijah’s faith had failed…God’s loving & gracious nature presented itself.

God provided:

  • an angel to wake him & give him food.
  • direction to go.
  • a cave for rest

Yet Elijah’s faith failed again. When asked by God why he was hiding in the cave, Elijah replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”  (vs 10).

God provided again:

  • His presence passes…not in the earthquake, or fire, but in a gentle whisper.

Yet Elijah’s faith failed again…he repeats the same self-pity speech from vs. 10…been zealous. been rejected. on the run for my life.

God provided again:

  • a replacement…Elisha

I may be greatly upset with my calling to be a mom of 4 boys, just like Elijah struggled with his calling to be the one prophet who was not heard.

My faith may have failed at the prospect of difficulty and at the loss of a dream. Elijah’s faith failed after his efforts resulted in death threats.

But God’s faith in me does NOT fail.

God has given me soooooo much. He has proven faithful. He has provided in so many ways.

God will provide a way.

God will provide sustenance and satisfaction.

God will provide a gentle whisper of His presence in the midst of my chaos.

God will give me rest when my soul is weary.

God will provide…just like He has provided.

I will learn to trust Him…even when my faith fails.

What calling are you struggling to accept? In what area of your life has your faith failed? Join me in remembering God’s provision in the past and praying for peace while remembering He will provide for our future.


linking up with “Joy in the Journey”…Life:Unmasked

*I realize now that Intelligender test is not 100% accurate (my faith in the test has failed).  I do feel it’s results have helped me work through my true feelings prior to the arrival of a precious addition to our family.

**I also realize that just because I may not have a daughter does not mean I won’t be able to experience fun memories with future daughter-in-laws, nieces, and granddaughters.


  1. Momma Kristi

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us!! I love your honesty!! Praying for you!!!!

  2. Sherri

    I love how real you are! We are going to have a blast with all our many boys! He will be perfect in your amazing family!

    • Heather MacFadyen

      thanks sherri!! we do have a load of very fun boys, don’t we? thanks for your sweet words!

  3. Liberty

    Just so you know…I took that same test when I was pregnant with my 4th. I got a girl result and it said that if the result was a girl than the results were more accurate than if it were a boy. I was so excited! The test was wrong and I have a boy. I felt the same as you before I took the test, but deep in my heart I wanted a girl. Now Archer is 2 years old and there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not thankful for him and cannot imagine our life without him. It is HARD being the only girl in the house (besides our dog), but I know that these years will go by fast. Don’t give up hope. You may still have a girl in there. Ask God for a vision of this little one regardless of the gender. Hang on to that vision. My husband had a vision when we found that we were pregnant. The vision was “this baby was like an end of an arrow. It would be a leader coming from behind and it would bring balance.” I held onto that vision throughout my pregnancy. God is good and I believe that families with all boys are set apart for His purpose in a different way than mixed families. We are raising the men that we would want our daughters to marry! I hope this is encouraging. I will be praying for you. If we are ever in the same town we will have a tea party! 🙂

    • Heather MacFadyen

      Thanks Liberty for your sweet, sweet words of encouragement and understanding my thought process! Love, love, love the idea of having a vision for this baby. I am a very visual person (one reason I like to find out the gender…so i can invision that baby). I love seeking God’s vision for this 4th in our family. Thanks again for your kind words and I would LOVE to have a tea party. =)

  4. Sarahbro

    Thanks for sharing so openly, Heather. I so appreciate it! I know that God has already blessed you with exactly the right child!

  5. Shauntelle

    When I was pregnant with my 3rd child, my poor husband was so certain we were going to have a girl that he didn’t even want to think of boy names. And then we had THE ultrasound and found out it was most definitely a boy and hubby was devastated for a few weeks. (You should know that this was his first biological child and my 3rd.)

    Of course, by the time our littlest man was born, he was caught up in the excitement of having him and he didn’t care about not having a girl. But that’s not the point of me sharing… our youngest is 7 now and along the way, I’ve watched as my husband has grown so much as a person while growing as a parent to our son. And it completely confirms my belief that God gives us not only the children we are meant to parent, but also (maybe mostly) the children we need to help us grow more into the people God wants us to be…

    I am certain you will be blessed with just the right addition to your family and just as certain that you will be just the right parent for him or her!

    • Heather MacFadyen

      Thank you for your words of encouragement and sharing your story. love what you said ” God gives us the children we need to help us grow more into the people God wants us to be…”

  6. Anna

    So honest! may God bless you and this child.

  7. Ashley Pichea

    Isn’t it funny how God uses “tests” to test our true colors?!? Praying for you as you work through the deeper layers of your heart. Praising God for the work He is doing in you to mold you closer to the image of His Son!

    • Heather MacFadyen

      Thank you for your prayers Ashley. love your words…”deeper layers of my heart” and “praising Him for the work He is doing in me to mold me closer to the image of His son”. Amazingly true!

  8. patty

    yes, this spoke to my heart. i wouldnt be honest if I didnt admit i at times dream about having a little girl too (I have 2 boys). But God knew what I needed and that I am worthy to be a mom of boys… 🙂 thanks for sharing..glad Im not alone.

  9. Zhanna

    You know, it’s amazing the way God works . . . .

    My husband and I are going through a season financially where our faith and trust in Him is being tested, strengthened and refined.

    Even though you wrote this in regards to being a mommy of yet another handsome little guy, that story you shared on Elijah spoke VOLUMES to me. And I thank you for that! It was exactly what I needed to read!

  10. Brandy

    Hmmm….we should talk. 🙂

  11. Daniel

    if You want to fail me one more time, i have no choice but to accept faith. Cause i know it will happen anyway anyhow, cause You want it that way. You always wanting us to have the hard way, cause that is Yours favourite part.


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